So I've been putting off writing anything that really related to the reason I started this blog. I have gotten some poetry up, which belongs here, and will have more as I'm inspired to write some. But I've been avoiding the big thing. Mostly I've been afraid of negative responses, and I've been somewhat afraid that as soon I write some deeper more personal things, people I didn't realize were here will suddenly want long conversations involving my soul...and how I'm going to hell...or something. But hey, I have no followers (blog followers people, I'm not starting a religion ;) ), and few people willing to comment (why don't people comment?), so maybe now's the time to start.
There, I said it. It's out there now...assuming I publish this post. The where, what, when and why will have to be many, many follow up posts. I'll share a little bit of where I am now, and the more recent reason why.
A couple years ago I found out one of my best friends was moving to the town we'd moved to. He'd already arranged a house, and they were supposed to be moving down in just a couple of months. We were excited, planning game nights, discussing where he might find work, school for the kids if they stayed that long... but a couple weeks later I got an email, they weren't coming. My friend had gotten cancer. Brain cancer. About six months later I was going to his funeral. He left behind 3 small kids...none of them old enough to ever remember him very well. The world was a darker place without him. Levi was one of those guys that made you want to be a better person, just by being him. He had a way of inspiring and uplifting the people around him, and he was gone, way to soon, barely even 30.
So my "crisis of faith" starts, he wasn't the first person I knew to die, but the first one that really had no reason. My great-grandpa died when he was 98...a full life. Other grandparents were old...my parents are still alive, as are all my siblings. So why him? People around me, and a few at the funeral were heard saying the trite (though I'm sure they think comforting) "The Lord needed him more...", or "God must have plans on the other side he needed him for". To this I say, bullshit. Either God is all powerful, or he isn't. If he is, then he doesn't NEED some person on the other side, he can manage it all himself, and never even break a sweat. What do you mean the Lord needed him more? More than what? More than his wife, his kids, his family? I DON'T THINK SO.
So while I'm dealing with this, we end up moving back to the town where I met him, and I go back to work for another friend. About a year later, his wife ends up in the hospital...and they find out she has lung cancer, and she's gone, 11 days later. Their kids were a little older...but still kids. Again to early...again the lame reasons for why.
I think a lot of people turn to their church at these times...but they were the ones saying the stupid things. Also, you can generally expect clergy type people to act in their own self interest. Their going to give you answers from your scriptures, and things you already know, because they've been teaching them in Sunday School since forever. I don't know a lot about other religions (non christian type ones), and they don't seem to have much representation in town anywhere that's easily findable. So, I do what I used to, search inward for answers...commune with nature. I haven't really found answers for why these things happen, but I have found more peace then I've had in a long time. Things I'd forgotten...
I've always had a kind of kinship with nature. I'm an eagle scout, and used to spend most of my summers hiking and camping as a kid. My mom was never worried when I'd wander off for a couple days, I'd just pack some sandwiches grab a sleeping bag, and walk out the door. I had also been denying my more psychic side. It doesn't fit in well with going to church...and some people will go so far as to tell you its satanic. I'm naturally intuitive, and I've always done things instinctually. Knowing when people are sick...and sometimes being able to help them heal themselves. Just knowing things...that people hadn't told me.
That, combined with nature really fits more into a witchcraft type element. I've always been drawn to that side of things anyway. I've had runes, tarot cards, and similar things. Add to that the Goddess. There is one, though many religions deny it. The why's are many, and they're deep and complex... A lot of them dealing with the more misogynistic side of man, and if you're suppressing women, better make sure to completely deny there's a Goddess. I've never understood though...man was made in God's image. Not just to look like him, meaning God looks relatively human, or man like, but in his nature as well. We're programmed to seek a mate. Few people truly like being alone, and most of us get lonely quickly when left alone for very long. We want to love, and too be loved. This is by divine design. Why would a God who doesn't feel that way, want that for his children? He wouldn't, he wants an "other half" just as much as we do, but somehow people take offense at the mere suggestion. As if having a spouse, or partner makes him less God.
So that's where I'm at now. Who or what do I worship...I don't really know that myself, that's part of the journey, and purpose here. I'm going to wrap this up for now though. Now that I'm "out of the broom closet" so to speak, I'll be adding some links to material of this nature that I like. I'll have it in a separate section of the Amazon area I'll be setting up. If you're not interested, just don't look in there. :) I'll still include more "mainstream" things, like Twilight and what not in there for everyone.