Saturday, May 29, 2010

Balance

I apologize for leaving you all hanging, but I've been struggling to find my missing balance in my life, and my world. Balance has always been fairly important to me, and even when things around me are out of whack, I'm usually a calm in the center of it, having my own personal balance and feel for what's going on.  I've come to realize lately that I'm very out of balance in more ways then one. I'm sure nobody is surprised to hear I'm a Libra.

My intuition and impressions in general aren't what they used to be.  I still get feelings from people, and sometimes loud impressions, but not of the same depth, and not as "on demand" as I used to.  My emotions are off, and I seem to feel...just differently.  I've always been able to swing and feel to either extreme, I can cry at movies, and it doesn't phase my "manliness".  And I laugh out lout, and love to laugh.  I love dramas, sitcoms, comedies, tear jerkers.  I'm not sure how to explain how my feelings are off, but they are.  Physically, I'll sometimes lose my balance for no reason at all as well.  Just standing still in the shower, walking down the hall, or sitting on the bed, I'll suddenly start to fall over.



I'm working on finding the solution to the problem(s), and as part of that I quit writing here for awhile.  I thought maybe part of the problem is that I've been doing to many things, and starting to many projects.  I'm reading 5-6 different books right now, I finally got a tarot deck that I really love, I started some writing on a novel idea, I'm working on some ideas for a podcast with a friend of mine...and of course I'm still struggling to find a job, and trying to find my path spiritually.

Writing or blogging can be very cathartic, and not blogging hasn't been helpful so I'm back to trying to write.  I say trying because its still hard to do this.  I'm not sure where I'm going, so I often feel that I don't have a topic or just ONE topic to write about. I'm not sure that I'm progressing spiritually, and I think that's part of my balance issues.  I can't quite seem to find the right direction.  Partially because I can feel where I need to go, but I don't really have the home support to allow me to wander.  I officially got called something like a "freak" (actual word not being recalled), by my wife that doesn't really understand where I'm going or why. I do have a few friends now that I've let read my blog, and discussed what I'm doing.  They're supportive, which is great, but they aren't on the same path really, so its still a hard discussion.  I'm not sure what I am, or where I'm going, so its not like I can just say, "I've decided to be catholic" and we can discuss that. 

I know there are websites with people like me, and I do participate at one, but its not the same as being able to sit down with a friend and just talk, and let your mind wander. Unlike most formal religions there aren't really many churches, where you can go and listen, or talk to people.  A lot of more organized religions, if you want to know more, just show up on a day of worship, and attend a service.

Psychically,  I've been working on opening myself up more, in a way I haven't done since high school.  That alone could definitely throw me out of whack, but I think its more then just that.  Hopefully though I can be more centered as I become more in tune, and in touch with that part of me again.

How to find and restore the balance...I'm not sure, but not writing doesn't seem to be the answer.

Rainy

1 comment:

Rich said...

I just write about things that irritate me. I come out swinging on the blog, feel much better, and if I can educate someone as well as to the garbage that is happening around us, all the better. I have been writing(novels, whatever) for a few years now, one of them is finally taking serious shape, so do not be discouraged if yours takes a while to work out. I have not worked outside the home since 2007, so I totally feel your pain there. My wife and I had to move to another part of the state to find work, so again, you are not alone.